consent for kids: teaching children autonomy and raising a culture of consent

Kahn goes on to suggest a few of the following,  to lay ground work for new social norms and teach children how to communicate with others in an understanding of themselves and others outside of objectification.

Social Emotional Skills. A lot of early education, Kahn says, is centered around giving kids the social-emotional skills to thrive, and these naturally dovetail with the concept of consent and respect. “Emotional intelligence, perspective-taking, empathy — these all allow you to basically understand your own feelings and the feelings of others, and are foundational to respect.”

Teach kids that it’s OK to express hurt. Junlei Li, a professor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, discusses the importance of Listening to children and checking in with them about their emotions. “Too often, adults try to discourage students from showing sadness, anger, or discomfort, Li says, but learning to identify those emotions can help them advocate for themselves when they’re hurt, as well as develop empathy and recognize similar emotions in other children and adults when their actions are making others uncomfortable”. 

Lead by Example.  Of course, some of consent is skill-based: learning to simply ask questions about what behavior or actions are appropriate. “Would you rather a hug or a high-five?” Give children agency over what is age-appropriate and do not take it personally if they do not want physical affection from you. Refusing a good night hug is OK. Advocate for them when around others. “No, grandma little doesn’t want a kiss or hug today, maybe tomorrow”. Is this uncomfortable. Yes. For some families. Is it more important to give agency to your child to break down objectification barriers that will affect them for the rest of their life than worry about our family’s comfort? Yes. 

Sibling Respect. If a sibling does not want touching they should not be made to do it, no matter their age. Sibling lessons are also helpful when teaching about appropriate touching with other children. My kids are still little and I know my toddler often to tries to grab their siblings private parts during bath time. By now the older kids have learned to swing away, put down the toddlers hand and remind them that “this is my penis/vagina, we don’t touch other kids private parts”. 

A Parent’s Body. Create expectations around your own body as well and teach them the importance of respecting those boundaries. “I had such a great time with you today! But now my body needs some space.” Give alternative activities you can do that don’t involve as much touching. This not only role models consent for the children it also initiates self care for the parent…you’ll still feel guilty but try to remember if you start early and at home your children have more of a chance to their own agency and to respect themselves later on in life even as they are bombarded with objectification.

Body Parts. Mother Mag’s article “Rape Culture: What it is and how to combat it when raising kids” emphasizes the importance of naming a kids’ body parts. It is essential for them to understand the biological names for these parts, vagina/penis/nipple/butt. The biological names give them a sense a “realness” not just objectification with cutesy or crude names they will learn along the way. Starting at birth we stated the various body parts as we washed or changed them, and soon our children learned that vocabulary as well. 

Role Play. Role playing is an excellent way to portray ideas to little kids. You can role play as a family or get stuffed animals involved.  It gives kids concrete examples and words through a variety of scenarios. It also prevents freezing. Freezing can occur when a child does not know what to do, this lack of response can lead other children to think their action is appropriate even if the freezing is occurring to prevent that action. If a child freezes it’s a good time to reinforce the notion of enthusiastic yes.